the experience of absence

The idea of soul loss is ancient. This old intuition says that the soul can fragment, be stolen, break, or flee. It happens for a variety of reasons: physical or emotional trauma, a prolonged sickness, extensive neglect and shaming, and (a common modern reason) the chronic assault of a  mind-numbing existence that stupefies, dulls and renders our lives empty.

For many of us, the diminishment in our soul life began in childhood. We experienced what is now referred to as developmental trauma, or what I call slow trauma. This trauma occurs from an experience of absence rather than from something dramatic that happened to us. There may not have been explosive events in the home, no overt acts of violence, but there were more subtle omissions of attention and care. In those moments when we needed to be soothed or held, the touch often didn't come, or what was offered was a partial and distracted attention. What we were granted was too thin and didn't provide us with enough substance to calm the effect of the experience we were having. I see the remnants of this trauma daily in my practice. It shows itself in the inability to regulate internal states of distress as they arise and in feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness.

- Francis Weller, California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, from his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow